Not Losing is Better Than Winning.

So this thought has crossed my mind recently: In lieu of the expected crash which has not come, I now think I've processed the last month in a way not unlike the way we both looked at casino gambling. Remember the reason we never dove too deep?

If that's the deal in my head, that's really sad, because it makes the shadow calendar go back decades and not just years.

Wild Trailer

Children, wake up, hold your mistake up
Before they turn the summer into dust.
If the children don't grow up
Our bodies get bigger but our hearts get torn up.
We're just a million little gods causing rain storms
Turning every good thing to rust.

I guess we'll just have to adjust.

The Story, Analyzed

Slagsmålsklubben - Sponsored by destiny from Tomas Nilsson on Vimeo.

The Decision of a Lifetime

Right in the middle of whatever was happening, the Asian man across the table from me asked why I was wearing a pinstriped shirt when the table cloth was solid white. It was if I was supposed to know that what pattern the table cloth would be before I got there. I deflected the question by saying I should have packed more shirts and that seemed to placate him.

The only reason I had a shirt at all was by the grace of the man who apparently would become my boss, or my boss' boss, or something. Only 10 minutes earlier, I was in his outer office and reception room. He himself was moving through a closet providing me some shirt/tie options. Also in the room were a dozen very-well dressed men who were introducing themselves to me and palming me their cards. The one that shook my hand the quickest and then left the room was the most noticeable.

Back at the long tables, I was reading a two-sided, single-page job offer. It was in English, but in a format that I'd not seen before. It wasn't evident what my responsibilities would be, or who I'd work for. It seemed I'd be in the UK; compensation was in pounds sterling.

I thought briefly that the phone call I just finished was a set-up; another episode of hand-holding that had dotted and hindered my career at my current job. In my current place it was very easy to tell her I was out of the country and she should take care of it herself.

After glancing at both sides of the offer, finding nothing objectionable but filled with questions, I felt that flush that comes with dramatic change. Everyone at both tables began clapping, as if a treaty had been signed. It was happening very fast and the pressure to go along was overwhelming.

Another Day in the Woods

Finally, my biography hits the shelf.

If it's Monday . . .

And now your answer, my friend,
Is blowing in one head and out the other
But you will find yourself
You will recognize and realize
Even when you can't forget
The times they tried you, things denied you, inside the big nameless house
From which everyone moves away.

No; not mine.

The New Isolation

Are you here, with me somehow? Are you watching, following me around?

Do you now see things now that hadn't occurred to you before?

What the hell happend? How did we get here?

Did you know exactly what you were doing?

Coffee Not That Impressive Anymore

I've decide jolts come in three sizes. There's the Had-the-Third-Venti-After-All Jolt. It's relatively predictable and not troublesome long-term. There's the Noticing-Cop/Radar Gun-Stakeout-Too-Late Jolt. Whether the outcome is good or bad, at least that jolt is short-lived. The third, yet unnamed jolt, comes from glancing toward the neighbor's garage, where, through the open door, you see only the legs of your elderly neighbor and wonder, as you jump the fence, how long she's been lying there on this February morning.

All three jolts in one week, I have just decided, command a day of rest and reflection, and early to bed.

The Serene Life of the Lighthouse Keeper

To Reminds You

Pain reminds you you're alive. To that end, some pain is to be cherished.